14 Things I Wish I Had known About Childbirth

As promised in my pregnancy post, here is part two. A few tid bits about the untold bits of giving birth. While pregnancy presented me with a list of rude little known (at least to me) changes and experiences, childbirth had its surprises as well. I knew generally what to expect. I knew that I was terrified, as I should be.

I was told by the nurses not to ever, ever share my birth story. Not for the reasons you may think, but because it was an absolute breeze. Even though it was a relatively fun and easy day I still learned many things about child birth, so here are my nuggets of wisdom I learned from what I like to refer to as D-Day.

1. Just because you are dilated and effaced does not mean baby is coming. At all actually. It's a bold faced lie that no swollen, waddling pregnant woman should have to endure. For those that are brand new to this topic, dilated is basically how open your cervix (wayyyy up in there) is. Effaced is a prettier way of saying "and this is why you are now wearing a liner or pad." I was dilated to a 4 by 34 or 35 weeks, and by the time someone finally believed I needed to be induced I was dilated to a flipping 7. Most people are admitted at this point. I was working 40 hours a week prepping for the school year with a bowling ball practically falling out of me. The baby was basically coming out, but hanging on for dear life in utero. I knew my body needed help, and was so thankful a professional finally agreed with me.

2. Not everyone's water breaks. I know mind blowing, right? Once again Hollywood has steered us so wrong. There is no big splash, or gush on the floor. In fact only about 8-15% of women's water breaks on its own. If it isn't going to happen it's just not. Go ahead and do some jumping jacks, or dance like a fool, but don't be disappointed when nothing happens.

3. Your OB may break your water…with a hook. If this happens you will possibly be laying in a bed of warm fluid for a couple of hours. You may or may not panic and tell the nurse you are positive you just peed the bed. Don't worry though, those gushes are still just more fluid. It's basically endless amounts.

4. It is OKAY to get a "dangerous epidural". In fact if you don't, no one will give you a medal. If you do, no one will care. I could have given birth without it, but my husband was terrified that it was going to be so painful that he was insistent on me getting it. He wanted me as comfortable as possible. What husband wants to see their wife in intense pain? Just so you know, my two hour nap was reassurance I made the right choice.

5. The epidural needle is huge. It is the biggest needle of all time and goes so far. I assumed it was smaller and just a little stick. No. I felt it go up my back. It was worse than the contractions I was having at the time, but seeing my husband come seconds from passing out made it worth every miserable second. After the color returned to his face we all had a laugh…at his expense.

6. Eat the popsicles. I don't know if it was the hormones or what, but the birthing center popsicles were the best I've ever had. I am deathly afraid of puking (apparently it's a thing to puke during labor), so I hadn't eaten in 24 hours. I finally caved and had a popsicle, not a single regret.

7. You will want someone there for the contractions. Now here is where you may hate me. I couldn't feel my contractions until the very end, and even then they left me so confused. I have always experienced extremely bad cramps, and I was told that labor would feel similar, but worse. For me it was not the same feeling at all. It was also easier than cramps. After they became stronger though, it helped to have my husband there to get me through them. He was able to watch the monitor and tell me when a contraction was peaking, and when I would be able to relax for a second. It was the scariest part of the day for me. Contractions brought adrenaline and fear over what was obviously more imminent. Having someone there was comforting and much needed.

8. That epidural might not work, and you might not finish your popsicle. I woke up from my epidural induced nap with contractions and a deep rooted need for a popsicle. My epidural had stopped working on one side of my body. The nurse did a dilation check while I was distracted by the best popsicle ever, and it turned out our son was literally coming out. Epidural's take away the pain when they work, but they are not always effective.

9. The push phase. This is that part in movies where the girl is screaming her head off while lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups. I am here to tell you, Hollywood lied yet again. I was not lying on my back and I did not make a peep. Mostly because I was dead set on NOT being THAT woman that the whole hospital hears. Partly because I was petrified.

10. You will be told to push like you are taking a human sized Winnie The POO. Sometimes they will hold your legs up, there may be stirrups, or in my case I held my own legs while sitting there. Sitting there awkwardly waiting to push, fully exposed in front of strangers.

11. You might actually poop. I am proud to be a member of the "I did not poop during childbirth" club. Kidding, there's no club, and no one but you actually cares if you pooped or not. I mean for the record though, totally didn't.

12. The ring of fire. I am not talking about Johnny Cash. This is where you feel like your pikachu is on fire, because your babies giant head is being forced through your not so giant lady tunnel. I was lucky not to really experience this, but I hear it's a real treat.

13. You might rip or tear. As awful as that sounds, it happens to a good chunk of women during childbirth. If it doesn't stretch, or tear, your OB may take scissors to it. Either way there will be stitches involved for most women. If you have a small stage 1 tear be thankful. If you have a stage 4, your bum hole and lady tunnel are now merged, well then, Lord help you.

14. It's not always that bad. Although I'm sure you have heard plenty of horror stories, I'm here to tell you to have a tiny bit of hope you will be the exception. I personally went into it terrified. I thought it was going to be horrible and the worst day of my life as far as pain goes. I didn't believe I would ever forget the pain, or that it wouldn't matter once I finally held him. I couldn't have been more wrong, and I wish someone had told me that. I wish someone had told me it might go really well. Not to be so afraid. I was prepared for the worst AND expecting the worst. I didn't think I could be prepared for the worst and hopeful for the best. I had 8 -EIGHT- minutes of hard labor. I pushed only a few times. He came right out, when I thought I had time to finish my popsicle, he put me in check. I was now on his time. I laughed with my nurses throughout the day and right on through pushing out our son. I look back on those short hours with so much joy. It was not that bad at all, and for the record, holding him sort of did make it all fade away…at least for a little while.

Giving birth had a few unexpected twists, but in my case, mostly good. I learned a few things I didn't know, and was given a dose of reality on other things. Looking back, this was the easiest part of the whole pregnancy to new mom transition. Fingers crossed it will be for you too.

#LIFE #Family